In short
In adult dating, consent means each person freely agreeing to each thing that happens, with the capacity to choose, and being able to change their mind at any point. Earlier messages, a profile or a previous meeting are not consent. UK law defines consent as agreement by choice (England, Wales and Northern Ireland) or free agreement (Scotland).
| England and Wales | Agreement by choice, with the freedom and capacity to choose (Sexual Offences Act 2003, s.74) |
|---|---|
| Scotland | Free agreement (Sexual Offences (Scotland) Act 2009, s.12) |
| Northern Ireland | Agreement by choice, with the freedom and capacity to choose (2008 Order, art. 3) |
| Can it be withdrawn? | Yes, at any point, including part-way through |
| After a sexual assault | 999 in an emergency; sexual assault referral centres are free and confidential |
Adult dating is unusually direct. People say what they want before they've met, which is part of the appeal. It also sets a trap: assuming that what was said in messages has been agreed for the night. It hasn't. Consent belongs to the moment, and it belongs to each person separately.
What a real yes looks like
A real yes is free, specific and current. If any one of those is missing, it isn't consent.
- Free: nobody is being pressured, guilted, threatened or tricked into it.
- Specific: yes to one thing is yes to that thing. Kissing is not agreement to sex; sex with a condom is not agreement to sex without one.
- Current: it applies now. What someone wanted last week, or last time you met, does not carry over.
Look for an actual yes, in words or in unmistakable enthusiasm. Silence, stillness or going quiet is not a yes. People sometimes freeze when they're uncomfortable rather than saying stop, so if someone's responses fade, pause and ask.
Is this consent? Common situations
Most of the grey areas people worry about aren't grey once you apply the three tests above.
| Situation | Consent? | Why |
|---|---|---|
| They said yes to it in messages last week | Not on its own | Consent is current; ask again in person |
| Their profile lists it as an interest | No | A profile describes interests, not agreement with you |
| They went quiet and stopped responding | No | Silence and freezing are not a yes |
| They were keen earlier but are now very drunk | No | They no longer have the capacity to choose |
| You've met three times and it's always the same | Ask anyway | Each meeting is its own yes |
| Their partner says they're fine with it | No | Each person agrees for themselves |
| They said yes, then asked to stop | Stop now | Consent can be withdrawn at any point |
Before you meet: messages are not a contract
Talking frankly in advance is good practice. It's how two people discover whether they want the same things, and it saves an awkward evening if they don't. Our guide to talking about desires and limits covers how to do it well.
What those messages are not is a promise. Either of you can arrive, have a drink and decide it isn't right. That is the system working, not someone letting you down. Treat a change of heart with grace and you'll be the sort of person others are glad to meet.
How to ask, and how to hear the answer
Asking doesn't kill the mood; most people find a confident, considerate question attractive. Short checks work best, and they matter most at the points where things change: moving somewhere private, undressing, trying something new.
These are examples, not a script. Use whatever sounds like you:
- "Is this good?"
- "Do you want to keep going?"
- "Shall we slow down?"
- "Would you like to try…, or not tonight?"
What matters is that you'd genuinely accept a no, and that the other person can tell. When someone says stop, stop at once and without argument. A sulk, a sigh or a guilt trip afterwards is pressure, and it makes the next no harder to say.
How to say no without a scene
Saying no is easier when you've decided in advance that you're allowed to. You don't owe a reason. Some lines people find useful, as examples:
- "I'm going to stop there. I've had a nice time."
- "Not that, but I'm happy with this."
- "I've changed my mind about tonight. I'll head off."
If the other person argues, that tells you everything you need. Leave, and report their profile from inside the members area.
Signs someone isn't consenting
Consent is about the person in front of you, not the plan. Pause and check in if you notice any of these:
- They go still, quiet or stop joining in.
- They turn away, pull back or keep moving your hand.
- They laugh it off nervously, or change the subject.
- They seem much drunker than they did an hour ago.
- They say "I don't know", "maybe" or "I suppose so".
None of these is a yes. Stop, ask, and take whatever answer comes.
Drink and drugs
A drink can make a first meeting easier. Being drunk makes consent unreliable. In law, someone who is asleep, unconscious or too intoxicated to make a real choice cannot consent, whatever they said earlier in the evening.
A sensible house rule: if either of you is drunk enough that you'd wonder tomorrow whether it was a good idea, it isn't happening tonight. Arrange another evening.
Couples, groups and third parties
Meeting a couple, or meeting others as a couple, adds people and so adds consents. Each person agrees for themselves.
- One partner cannot agree on the other's behalf.
- A couple's private rules, such as what's off limits, are theirs to keep, and the third person needs to know any that affect them.
- Anyone can step out at any time without needing the others' permission.
Our explainer on swinging and lifestyle clubs goes into how experienced couples handle this.
Condoms and honesty about health
Agreeing to sex with a condom is not agreeing to sex without one. Removing or damaging a condom without the other person's agreement can be prosecuted as a sexual offence in the UK. Sometimes called "stealthing", it is a consent issue, not a matter of etiquette.
Be honest about your sexual health too. If you're asked when you were last tested, answer truthfully. Our sexual health guide explains how to get free, confidential testing.
Photos, videos and messages count too
Consent covers images as much as bodies. Don't send explicit pictures to anyone who hasn't asked for them. Don't screenshot, forward or show anyone what was sent to you in confidence. Never photograph or film anyone without a clear yes, and delete it if they later ask.
Sharing intimate images without consent is a crime. In England and Wales, section 66B of the Sexual Offences Act 2003 makes it an offence to share an intimate photo or film of someone without their consent, or to threaten to. Scotland has its own offence under the Abusive Behaviour and Sexual Harm (Scotland) Act 2016, and Northern Ireland has its own law too. The Revenge Porn Helpline supports adults across the UK.
What UK law says about consent
The law in each part of the UK defines consent in similar terms:
- England and Wales: a person consents if they agree by choice and have the freedom and capacity to make that choice (Sexual Offences Act 2003, section 74).
- Scotland: consent means free agreement (Sexual Offences (Scotland) Act 2009, section 12).
- Northern Ireland: the same definition as England and Wales (Sexual Offences (Northern Ireland) Order 2008, article 3).
This is general information, not legal advice.
If something goes wrong
If you have been assaulted or feel in danger, call 999. Sexual assault referral centres offer free, confidential medical care and support, and you don't have to report to the police to use them; the NHS lists them on its referral centre finder.
| Where you are | Who to call for support |
|---|---|
| England and Wales | Rape Crisis 24/7 support line, 0808 500 2222 |
| Scotland | Rape Crisis Scotland helpline, 08088 01 03 02 |
| Northern Ireland | Domestic and Sexual Abuse Helpline, 0808 802 1414 |
If someone on Adults.co.uk pushes past a no, in messages or in person, report their profile from inside the members area. Our safety and consent page explains how reporting works, and the first meeting safety plan helps you set things up so leaving is always easy.
Questions people ask
If we agreed something in messages, is that consent on the night?
No. Messages tell you what someone is interested in, which is useful. Consent is what each person agrees to in the moment, and either of you can say no when you meet, or later in the evening, without having to explain why.
Can someone consent if they've been drinking?
Only if they still have the capacity to make a real choice. Someone very drunk, asleep or unconscious cannot consent, whatever they said earlier. If you're unsure whether the other person is sober enough, that uncertainty is your answer: stop and arrange another evening.
Can my partner agree on my behalf?
No. In a couple or a group, each person gives their own consent and can withdraw it without anyone else's permission. A couple's agreement with each other is between them; it never stands in for the third person's yes, or for either partner's yes on the night.
Is taking a condom off without asking a crime?
It can be. If someone agreed to sex only with a condom, removing or damaging it without their agreement means the sex that follows is not what they consented to, and that can be prosecuted as a sexual offence in the UK.
Is it a crime to share someone's intimate photos?
Yes. Sharing, or threatening to share, intimate images of someone without their consent is a criminal offence across the UK. In England and Wales it falls under section 66B of the Sexual Offences Act 2003, which covers threats even if the image doesn't exist.
What should I do if someone ignores a no?
Stop contact, get somewhere safe and, if a crime may have happened, call 999 in an emergency or 101 otherwise. You can also go to a sexual assault referral centre without reporting to the police, and report the member's profile from inside the members area.
Keep reading
- Fake profiles, money requests and sextortion: how to stay safeThe scams aimed at adult daters, from fake verification links to sextortion, the warning signs and where to report in the UK.
- Talking about desires and limits before you meetHow to talk about desires, limits, safer sex and discretion before meeting, with example lines, a checklist and red flags.
- Meeting a match for the first time: a safety planA step-by-step safety plan for meeting someone from an adult site: before you go, on the day, going somewhere private and afterwards.
- Is Adults.co.uk legit? Who runs it, what it checks, what it costsWho runs Adults.co.uk, what it checks and doesn't, what it costs, the billing name, and how to cancel and leave.
Sources
- Sexual Offences Act 2003, section 74, legislation.gov.uk
- Sexual Offences Act 2003, section 66B, legislation.gov.uk
- Sexual Offences (Scotland) Act 2009, section 12, legislation.gov.uk
- Sexual Offences (Northern Ireland) Order 2008, article 3, legislation.gov.uk
- Abusive Behaviour and Sexual Harm (Scotland) Act 2016, legislation.gov.uk
- Find a rape and sexual assault referral centre, NHS
- Rape Crisis England & Wales
- Rape Crisis Scotland
- Domestic and Sexual Abuse Helpline (Northern Ireland)
- Revenge Porn Helpline
Checked 18 October 2026. Spotted something out of date? Tell us.